The Queen of Hearts
by Mystic Catface
Summary: An odd poem bringing together characters from different fairy stories.


Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye,

Four and twenty blackbirds escaped from their pie.

"Oh no!" Cried the King, "It's just turned out wrong!

How can we eat a pie when the filling has all gone?"

"Never mind dear," replied the Queen, "There's still lots of jam tarts

Though they were nearly all stolen by that greedy Knave of Hearts."

They both sat in silence, surveying their lands,

From the mountains up north to the wide golden sands.

"Nothing ever happens," sighed the King to his Queen,

"Not one raging dragon or terrified maiden's scream."

"How about a beheading?" "Too messy," he said

"A tournament joust?" The King shook his head.

"No, we need something exciting with singing and dance,

Not wild-boar hunting, charades or Tossing-The-Lance."

The Queen took out her needle, her silver thimble and thread,

Then around their chamber in circles she tread.

Twenty minutes later the King was asleep

But the Queen's plan was forming, and she left their plush suite.

Down spiralling stone stairs, through painting lined halls,

She wandered to the room especially built for grand feasts and balls.

With its high vaulted ceiling and crystal-shod light

The Queen had found the solution for her poor husband's plight.

"We're having a party," she announced the next day,

"I'll write the invitations and have them swiftly away,"

"Fantastic idea," said the King, "But what is it for?"

"How about our son Charming?" said the Queen, "Next week he's twenty-four."

"Twenty four already?" exclaimed the King, "My, hasn't time flown?

Before you know it he'll be after my throne!"

"Not quite yet," soothed the Queen, "But what he needs in his life,

Is a young, talented, beautiful and generally interesting wife."

"Remember when we met?" The King looked into her eyes

"Yes, I didn't know who the hell you were under that horse's disguise."

"Got it from a friend." His mouth gave a twitch

"Not bad for an evening, but it didn't half itch."

The Queen smiled back then finished a list with her quill pen,

"I think that's it for the minute, but what about Them?"

('Them' were the neighbours, from the kingdom next door,

With which they had been bitter rivals since 1184)

"I think it would be best if we left them, remember the cards?"

Yes, they and last year's Christmas present had been sent back in shards.

The Queen pursed her lips, "Are you telling Charming about this or should I?

He'd better start looking early for the future apple of his eye."

"I think you'd better do it, it's more a womanly thing,

I've got to go and bang around a bit, looking like a King."

So the ball was organised, and the excitement grew,

Until the dazzling event was the next Friday due.

The golden gilt cards were posted wide across the realm

And everyone who opened them was instantly overwhelmed

Gowns were ordered and shoes were bought,

Over the last designer handbag a vicious slapping war was fought.

Then, at last, the long awaited day had arrived,

For Prince Charming to celebrate the day of his birth, and find himself a blushing new bride.

Unbeknownst to him, in a house many miles away,

A girl called Cinderella was having a particularly trying day.

Her father and stepsisters were getting reading for that evening

And she had to help them get dressed, do the washing, the cooking and all the cleaning.

"I CAN'T FIND MY STOCKINGS!" Screeched Grundhilda from the landing,

"AND I CAN'T FIND MY EARRINGS!" Yelled Harrietta throughout the building.

"Why can't I go?" Muttered Cinders to herself,

As she retrieved Grundhilda's sock from down the back of a shelf.

But when she said this to her stepsisters, they laughed themselves sick,

"You? At a Ball?" they squealed, "Don't be so thick!"

So when the carriage rolled round at seven o'clock sharp,

Cinderella was left in the kitchen in the dark.

She sobbed into a hanky and dreamed of fine things,

Of dancing with princes and wearing gold rings.

As the clock chimed eight, there was a flash of bright light

And a kindly old woman appeared, giving Cinderella quite a fright.

"Don't cry my dear, all will be well,

You can go to the ball with the aid of my spell."

"Who are you?" Cinders whispered, "and what do you mean?

This can't be real, magic only works in a dream."

The old woman laughed and waved her wand through the air

And Cinderella suddenly had long golden hair.

"I'm your Fairy Godmother, whatever you want I can give,

For tonight you shall have another life you can live."

Cinderella was dressed in a ball gown of gems,

With matching accessories and real pearls on the hems.

To finish it off she was given slippers of glass,

"Not the most conventional," said her Godmother, "But at least they'll last."

Finally she was ready, with a pumpkin for a coach

And the Fairy Godmother produced an invite, but also gave reproach,

"Remember Cinderella, whatever happens you must be out of there by midnight,

Or everyone will see my enchantments melt away and you'll look a right sight."

"I'll remember," said Cinders, "And wish me good luck!"

Her Godmother waved her off and called after her, "Go get 'em, chuck!"

When Cinderella turned up at the palace, the doormen were struck dumb,

They were blinded by her beauty, like they'd looked straight into the sun.

She walked into the ballroom and the guests fell silent as one

Then the vision glided forward, and the room began to hum.

Who was she, that girl, with the fair porcelain skin

That so amazed the Prince when he saw her come in?

Abandoning the beauties that had been vying for his hand,

He bowed deeply before her, then waved at the band

"Will you honour me with this dance?" he asked. She nodded in reply

Then round and round the dance floor they began to fly.

They danced all night, never stopping to rest,

And Charming gave to this woman the heart that beat within his chest.

Then the first stroke of midnight pealed out through the night,

And the Godmother's warning caused Cinders to take flight.

The Prince tried to follow, calling for her in vain,

Then realised that he didn't even know the fair lady's name.

She ran from the palace, back home she flew,

And all Charming found was one glass shoe.

The very next morning a search began,

For the mysterious woman, missives were sent across the land,

And the slipper was taken from manor to port,

To find the dainty foot it had been designed to support.

Eventually, a week later, there was a knock at the door

And Grundhilda, who the Prince and his money she did adore,

Took off her shoes and tried on the slipper,

But not matter how much she squeezed her huge hefters the shoe didn't fit her.

Harrietta grabbed it off her and herself had a go

But all she could fit in it was her big right toe.

"Are these two the only ladies that reside in this house?"

Asked the messenger, the ugly sisters replied with stealth:

"Yes, we are the only females here, why do you ask?"

Then their dad said, "What about Cinders?" They both gave a gasp.

"How could it be her, she didn't go to the ball!"

But Cinderella came forward and to the amazement of all,

Her foot fit snugly into that unusual shoe,

And when the Prince turned up he immediately knew

That this was the woman who had captured his soul

And stolen it away, but now he was whole.

"My love, will you marry me, and always be mine?"

"Of course," replied Cinderella, and to Grundhilda, "Find your own stockings next time."


End file.
